Thursday, June 19, 2008

How Many Soldiers are There Really?

So, this thought combines a number of different elements:

1) Soldiers are a type
2) Iraqi insurgents believe American casualty numbers are highly deflated
3) There is a strange flashing light on Camp Victory
4) A pretty good movie

So, it goes like this:

While in the Army, and especially on my trips to Iraq, I have noticed that soldiers are a type. In fact, there are about a hundred types (this is a rough estimate). But I have seen Brigmans, Smittys, Silbers, Morinis, Gutierrezs, Me's, Hamiltons, Doties, and only a few more. Sometimes two or three times a day. So, this leads me to my theory: there are really only about a hundred soldiers in the Army, and they just push out clones of them when they need them. Now - I know, how do they do this? We'll get to that later, but for right now, just bear in mind that you are required to have a DNA sample on file with the Army...

Next, according to the insurgents, the American press lies about how many soldiers have died, and in fact MANY more soldiers have been killed by them over the years. Yes, I know, this sounds kind of silly, as lying in this case is definitely in their interests to make themselves sound more badass than they actually are. And, of course, there seems to be a long tradition of this in the Iraqi culture... However, let's assume for the moment that our press agents really are in collusion with the government:

What is happening to our troops in Iraq that even though we are losing huge numbers in insurgent attacks, we still have a relatively constant size force in Iraq?

Well, it all goes back to that mysterious flashing light. You see, my friends and I have, at various times, noticed a strange, very quick, very bright, flash at night on Camp Victory. Unfortunately, it was always out of the corners of our eyes. Well, one night, while walking home at 2 in the morning to my tent, I happened to be facing exactly the right direction, and I see a massive lightning bolt arc UP from behind one of the headquarters (I won't mention which one, because then the insurgents will know which one to hit). Ah-ha! Apparently we're running some kind of large Tesla machine there, but for what purpose?

Now, we get to it - go watch the movie mentioned above, and it all becomes clear! We are cloning soldiers, then when they get hit by an IED or an incoming attack, pushing a clone out of the Tesla machine on Camp Victory!

This post is intended in every way to be humorous. I am not making light of soldiers deaths, body counts, or any other statistic produced by the American Press.

No soldiers were harmed in the making of this post.

Pursuant to 18 U.S.C. รณ 2257 all bloggers and soldiers depicted in this post are over the ago of 18.

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